Entries in Nonsense (1)

Friday
Oct312014

The True Explanation of Bigfoot

This is actually a coincidence that this is coming out on Halloween. I intended to write this up a week or so ago, just never got around to it (like everything). Anyway...

Every now and then I become infatuated with the paranormal. I believe that the vast majority, if not all, reports of paranormal activity are cases of apophenia. That is one of my favorite words, and it basically means recognizing patterns in randomness. That being said, some of the stories are fascinating, and I find myself getting drawn in from time to time. Aliens are a perennial favorite, as is the Jersey Devil and the Amityville house. This is about none of those. This is about bigfoot.

Normally I'm not a big fan of the bigfoot stuff. My interest in this stuff is seemingly random, so I can't offer any explanation about why I never usually get into the bigfoot stories. The only thing that stands out is that I'm also in the middle of a recent spike in my affection for the northwest. Much like the paranormal, my affection for the Pacific Northwest waxes and wanes, and this just happens to be a time when both are in full swing.

For the uninitiated, bigfoot is the golden boy of the cryptid community in the Pacific Northwest. I don't know if bigfoot and the forests here are quite as synonymous as the Jersey Devil and the pine barrens, but it's close. Many a local business will include bigfoot in some capacity in their advertising. I've seen cartoon versions on shopping bags, pizza boxes, there have even been local exhibits dedicated to the big guy in some museums around here.

So what's the deal? Some believe bigfoot is a missing link in human evolution that's survived undetected for all these years. Others believe it is a primate, but unrelated to humans. Those are some of the more reasonable explanations. I've heard theories that the reason we can never find evidence of bigfoot is because they live in another dimension and only pop over here occasionally.

The skeptics point out that if bigfoot is actually a real thing, then there needs to be a significant breeding population of them to perpetuate the species, which means it would be basically impossible for them to avoid detection.

Now I know what you're thinking. "Thanks for the bigfoot 101 class, but what's the REAL deal?" Ok, so here goes. Consider the werewolf. Now we all take it for granted that werewolves are humans that turn into wolves during the full moon. But think about it. Why would humans turn into wolves? It makes no sense. The true explanation is that humans turn into a type of were-ape, better known as bigfoot. Feel free to take a break now, as I'm sure your mind was just blown.

You're back? Good. I think this is a phenomenon that affects almost all species. Ever seen a wolf spider? They're big, hairy spiders that prowl around and pounce on prey instead of making webs. They're a type of were-spider! That's why you never see little wolf spider nests or baby wolf spiders. They're not an actual species, just transformed regular spiders.

I know what you're thinking again: "Okay, smart guy, explain why this stuff shows up all the time instead of just during the full moon". That's fair, and I acknowledge it's a potential hole in my theory. All I can point to is that the whole full moon thing was thought up a long time ago. Times were tough back then, people had a lot more to worry about than what phase of the moon was responsible for turning people into monsters. It probably seemed like it happened a lot during full moons, and that became an accepted part of the legend. Related to that, I think it's regular dogs that turn into werewolves. It's the only thing that makes sense, right?

I think the beauty of this theory lies in its simplicity. Why can we never find bigfoot corpses in the woods? Simple, the infected people are only bigfoot for a short amount of time. That's why we can't find conclusive proof. This also explains the lack of a breeding population. The whole world is a potential breeding population!

Stephen Hawking is known for attempting to create a unified theory that explains the two dominant schools of thought on physics. And where he has failed, I have succeeded in crafting a unified theory of werewolves and bigfoot. This may mark a turning point in my career. I might just have to give up IT and programming to become a professional monster hunter/talking head on those paranormal shows that all the rage these days. We'll see. If I'm talking about closures in a few days then I guess the real life X-Files thing didn't pan out.